Teach Your Kids to Apologize

Parents pass on to their children the tools they will use in their own lives and relationships. What are the tools you are giving to your children to teach them how to apologize when they have hurt another person?

I can still hear my father’s voice, imitating the Maine accent of his own father, who had taught him to “Confess pahticulah sins pahticulahly.” My mother taught us that the Christian walk involves the same three steps, repeated ad infinitum as needed: “Own up, disown, own Him.” The first, “own up,” is a call to recognize and articulate the wrong that has been done. The second, “disown,” means to reject or turn away from the behavior. Last, rather than remain in the guilt or seek to be perfect on our own, we “own Him,” that is, recognize that our righteousness is only in Christ, and only in Him can we find strength and wisdom to love others as we should.

Rarely are these the approaches we take when we wrong another person. It’s easier to stay silent and hope that the experience will fade away. It’s more satisfying to our pride to make excuses or to explain how the other person deserved it or should apologize first. A real, honest, specific apology feels a bit like dying, because it is. When we sincerely repent to another human being, we die to our pride, to our desire to be right, to our wish to maintain control. To truly repent is to decide that the relationship—and the human being we hurt—matters more than our own sense of self.

But, how do we teach and train young children in this hard and good practice, particularly when so many squabbles can arise in the course of just one day? We know we want them to apologize, but those forced and unmeant “I’m sorry’s” don’t really create true reconciliation.

Blogger, educator, and parent JoEllen has published a piece called A Better Way to Say Sorry, which outlines four steps to teach young children to apologize effectively. Do go and read the whole thing, and see how she develops these four steps:

1) I’m sorry for…: Be specific. Show the person you’re apologizing to that you really understand what they are upset about.
2) This is wrong because…: This might take some more thinking, but this is one of the most important parts. Until you understand why it was wrong or how it hurt someone’s feelings, it’s unlikely you will change.
3) In the future, I will…: Use positive language, and tell me what you WILL do, not what you won’t do.
4) Will you forgive me? This is important to try to restore your friendship.

These steps are powerful tools to give our children and students to move them towards true, gospel-centered reconciliation. And, as with any tool, it’s not enough to hand it over or give lessons in how to use it. What matters most is that our children and students also see us approaching them in this same way.

Although I remember the phrases and sayings from my parents, far more powerful to me over the years has been their own modeling of these things. My dad and I fought quite a bit when I was a teenager, but I have no recollection of what we fought about or the angry words that were said. What I do remember was the sound of his footsteps on the stairs down to my bedroom, where I sat fuming on my bed after many of our altercations. I can still hear the knock on the door I had slammed just a few minutes ago, as he stood on the other side, seeking me out to apologize for his part and to restore our relationship.

In this, my earthly father showed what he and my mom had taught me: The love of my Heavenly Father, who sent his own Son, “through him to reconcile to himself in all things, whether on earth or in heaven, making peace by the blood of his cross.” (Colossians 1:20).